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How to Figure Out the Real Reason You're Stuck
2025-11-18
Have you ever found yourself doing something that you really want to stop doing, but you keep going anyways?
A few examples:
• R is bored working on his current company but is reluctant to start something new
• Z continues putting in the hours at a company that irritates her morals
• B wants to feel content in his business but is always anxiously plotting for the next big win
Usually, people will conclude that they’re not very disciplined. Not disciplined enough to start a new business, not disciplined enough to steer the project in a more fulfilling direction, not disciplined enough to find peace in the present moment. They'll then get a new plan, a new coach, a new Muji notebook (who can resist the allure of a brand new Japanese notebook?). They'll resolve to be more disciplined this time, and that's how they'll succeed. Sometimes, this actually works. For a while. But it's pretty darn painful. You're riding the transformation rollercoaster screaming your head off and trying not to get flung out of the car. I call this the white knuckling version of change. Other times, white knuckling doesn't even work. The novelty of that Muji notebook wears off and you find yourself again overworking, again not speaking up in meetings, again not following through on the Q4 marketing goals.
Stop white knuckling! Because it's not sustainable.
I suggest a much gentler approach. That is, ask yourself, what am I trying to defend here?
But being trapped in these cycles aren't really about insufficient willpower or motivation. They are about something much deeper.
We say we want freedom, creativity, rest, but then find ourselves doing the opposite. That’s usually a sign of a Defender Value: a hidden value quietly protecting something important, like safety, belonging, or approval.
I put together this short worksheet called Spot Your Defender Value. It’s a 10-minute reflection to help you spot what your patterns are really protecting.
Why This Matters
Every behavior makes sense in context. It was your best attempt to meet a real need. By understanding these patterns, you can begin to update the old contracts that keep them in charge and create a life that aligns with your true values.
If you identified the pattern and want to shift it, then apply for a free strategy session with me.