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2 books and 1 conversation that changed how I think about life and work
2025-12-02

Recently, one of my clients mentioned that it'd have been helpful for me to give him a list of books to read before we started working together. I wasn't sure this was a good idea because I don't want to waste people's time by recommending books that aren't the "right medicine."

Then I realized that I recommend the same 1 or 2 books over and over, sooner or later. And that almost always, they have a big impact on the reader. And that the people who sign up to work with me partly do so because I’ve been through the same hard stuff as them, and that the medicine that worked for me is likely to work for them. And that transformation = insight + action, and indeed, a book can sometimes deliver the critical insight at the right time and place to tip someone into deep transformation.

So I’m following my client’s advice and sharing the 3 things that have really influenced the way I think and coach about life and work.

There are tons of books out there that I agree with. I’m not recommending them here because the advice is fairly common-sensical.

Instead, I’m recommending the two books and one conversation that somehow exploded my thinking:

1. I heard these 30 seconds of an interview between Tim Ferriss and Derek Sivers while putting away socks at home when I was 27. It's stuck with me ever since.

Tim: When you think of the word “successful”, who’s the first person who comes to mind and why?

Derek: … My third and real answer, after thinking it through, is that we can’t know without knowing a person’s aims. What if Richard Branson set out to live a quiet life, but like a compulsive gambler, he just can’t stop creating companies? Then that changes everything, and we can’t call him successful anymore.

me: 🤯

2. I started reading Urbaniak’s book Unbound - A Woman’s Guide to Power* during grad school, a place that notoriously inculcates grad students with the notion that they should be happy with what they get (which is generally not much) and forget about asking for what they need. Kasia’s book changed my mind about what is possible in systems of power. I think many people, and not just women, will resonate with her description of not being able to say what you really mean in the moment. The book provides very practical advice on how to change that. It changed my life.

If you aren’t sure whether to read this book, just one more thing: Kasia trained both as a Taoist nun and a dominatrix.

3. When I get greedy and want to do everything on my to-do list, Oliver Burkeman’s book 4000 Weeks - Time Management for Mortals* keeps reminding me that all that is futile (waves hand vaguelly at everything).

I was recently watching a video where a DJ explains how the drop is everything. Everything before the drop is building up tension towards this big release, after which everyone goes crazy. Everytime I get wound up about getting more done, Burkeman's book is the big release.

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